Today is my birthday. Because this year is and has been unlike any other year, I’ve experienced in my 47 years on this planet, I’m not celebrating the way I usually do.
Usually, in the dark and the cold of a D.C. or Midwestern midwinter, I throw a tiki party.
I don’t actually remember when it started. Sometime about a decade ago. Sometime after I discovered rum was good, and not just something you added to coke so that no one noticed you were drinking in public. I’m sure the then nascent reemergence of Tiki culture and more importantly, at least for me, good tiki bars had something to do with it. The big drive was probably nostalgia. Not the ephemeral shared nostalgia that gets rolled up into Americana, a wishing for past better times that never were, but a specific nostalgia. I grew up within spitting distance of one of America’s great monuments to the bygone Tiki era: The Kahiki Super Club.
By the time I was old enough to appreciate it, the Kahiki was in its waning years. It had become the place of middle school birthday parties and end-of-season soccer banquets – like a tropical themed Chuck-e-Cheese. It held on until I was old enough to – legally – drink. It was a magnificent building: a massive mid-century interpretation of a Polynesian longhouse, its entrance framed by two towering fiberglass flame-topped Moai glaring threateningly at their strip mall neighbors. You could still sense its one-time glory. You could still order the mystery drink, a giant bowl of “assorted spirits” and exotic syrups, bubbling with dry ice and delivered by an exotic bikini clad maiden in a brief but no less theatrical ceremony. The mystery was somewhat lessened by the inescapable fact that the mystery maiden was the older sister of a high school classmate. The Kahiki faded and closed in 2000. A few years later, the magnificent temple to 1960s kitsch was torn down and a Walgreens was built in its place.
A few years later, I picked up a couple bottles of good rum at a local liquor store’s “going out of business” sale. This, obviously, was in a jurisdiction that doesn’t have dumb laws that keep me from buying good rum. They were a surprise. They were delicious and made me revisit some of those absurdly fantastical drinks. Soon I was hitting up eBay to bid on Tiki Mugs from the Kahiki, and next thing I know I’m famous among my friends for throwing a mid-winter Tiki party.
But now there’s a pandemic. So, this year, instead of having a handful of friends over to drink rum drinks and generally misbehave, I’m sharing the tradition with you. This week’s menu is a collection of delicious rum drinks, bar snacks, and foods that I would otherwise be serving to a small crowd in a comfortably crowded central Ohio townhouse – and while I’ll miss that group of friends, I’m pretty excited to share it with you.
A Very Good Daiquiri
A Daiquiri isn’t a tiki drink (it was probably invented in Cuba long before someone put on the first polyester hula shirt), but there’s almost no better cocktail than a perfectly balanced Daiquiri. I’m not talking about that tall, pink, sugary, sweet alcoholic slushy that flows from the loud plastic-topped machine on a cruise ship desk or from a Louisiana drive through. I’m talking about simplicity: Good rum. Sugar. Lime juice. Nothing else.
Choose a good, fairly dry white rum. If you’ve only experienced America’s most “popular” rums, there are a world of other rums out there – many without the that edge you might associate with the spirit. At an affordable price point, I’m partial to Plantation 3 star. For a few dollars more, Banks 5 Island makes a great Daiquiri. If you’re feeling adventurous, try some of the Martinique Rhum Agricole – like Clement or Rhum JM – for an unusual, but delicious, almost grassy note. If you’re brave, and lucky enough to live in a state or jurisdiction where you can get them, the Clarins of Haiti are … well, they make a Daquiri that’s weird and strange and beyond delicious. What can I say? I like rum.
1 small lime
1 tbsp granulated sugar
2 oz good quality white rum
Zest the lime into a small bowl. (I use a microplane – check out the equipment page at The Chicken Thigh Guy)
Add the sugar.
Allow to rest for 5 minutes.
Squeeze the lime.
Add ¾ oz of lime juice to the sugar and lime zest.
Stir until sugar is dissolved.
Pour sugar mixture into a shaker filled with ice.
Add 2 oz good quality white rum.
Shake vigorously.
Double strain through a very fine strainer into a chilled coup glass and enjoy.
The Platter
Crab Rangoon
The best part of bad American Chinese food is the appetizers, and crab rangoon is a prince, if not the king of those appetizers. It’s not remotely Chinese – it is after all stuffed with cream cheese – but it is delicious, and it’s even better dunked in fire engine red, sweet and sour sauce that makes you feel like a kid snatching at that pu-pu platter that’s just out of reach in the center of the table.
4 oz cream cheese
2 tbsp goat cheese
¼ cup lump crab meat
2 tbsp finely sliced green onion tops
¼ tsp ground white pepper
Wonton wrappers or quartered egg roll wrappers
Mix all ingredients except the wrappers.
Place a dollop of filling mixture at the center of a wrapper.
Run a damp finger along two of the four edges.
Fold the wrapper into a triangle, pinching along the edges to seal.
Repeat with remaining wrappers or until filling is exhausted.
Fry in neutral oil at 325° F until lightly browned and puffed up.
Serve with sweet and sour sauce.
Sweet and Sour Sauce
¼ cup white vinegar
¼ cup pineapple juice
½ cup granulated sugar
1 tbsp ketchup
2 drops red food coloring
1 tsp corn starch plus 1 tbsp water
1 tsp soy sauce
In a pan over medium heat, mix all ingredients except the cornstarch and water.
Stir until the sugar dissolved and bring to a low simmer.
Reduce by 1/3.
Mix the cornstarch and water into a slurry and whisk into the sauce.
Raise the heat and cook until the mixture begins to thicken.
If you prefer a thicker sauce, double the corn starch and water mixture.
Mini shrimp and pork lumpia
These are a variation on Filipino Lumpia Shanghai – and more specifically, on a fast-food version of that dish that probably has little to no relationship to the traditional versions. They’re tasty and basically made for dipping in whatever sauce you like – sweet chili garlic sauce, sweet soy, or of course, that fire engine red, sweet and sour sauce.
1 package lumpia or eggroll wrappers
½ lb. ground pork shoulder
6 medium raw shrimp, peeled and deveined.
2 tbsp finely chopped carrot
2 tbsp finely chopped green onion
1 tsp minced ginger
1 tsp minced garlic
1 tsp soy sauce
½ tsp ground white pepper
Add all ingredients, except the wrappers, to the container of a food processor.
Process until a homogenous mixture is formed.
Transfer to a covered container and refrigerate for at least 1 hour.
Preheat a fryer to 325°F.
Cut the wrappers in half.
Fill each wrapper, from end to end, with a finger’s width of filling.
Run a damp finger along the long edge of the wrapper.
Roll toward the wet edge and press to seal.
Repeat for remaining filling.
Cut each roll into thirds.
Fry at 325°F until lightly browned.
Serve with delicious sauces and rum-sodden drinks.
Spicy Pineapple Shrimp Skewers
Tropical flavored, fast, and skewered. I mean, really, that’s all there is to these. I use Huy Fong chili garlic sauce and canned Dole pineapple juice … because really, that’s what we usually have in the house. Remember, Tiki kitsch is about FAUX fancy. If you get fancy fancy, your mileage may vary.
12 medium raw peeled tail-on shrimp
1 tbsp chili garlic sauce
1 tbsp granulated sugar
1 tsp soy sauce
1 tbsp pineapple juice
Mix chili garlic sauce, sugar, soy sauce and pineapple juice in a pan over medium heat.
Cook until slightly thickened.
Thread shrimp onto skewers.
Brush with spicy pineapple sauce.
Broil on high for 2 minutes, turn, and cook an additional 2 minutes.
Brush with remaining sauce and serve immediately.
Sticky Garlic Sesame Wings
A few weeks ago, as I was making a batch of hummus, I had a revelation. The hummus recipe used an unusual method for dealing with garlic – basically blending unpeeled cloves of garlic with water and lemon juice, then straining them to remove the solids. I thought, yeah … that’s fun … and decided to try using it as a base for making a garlic sauce for wings. It works. This recipe creates a sticky sweet (have you noticed that “sticky sweet” is sort of a recurring theme this week?) sauce that is very garlicky without being harsh.
1 lb. “party cut” chicken wings
1 small head garlic
1 cup water
2 tbsp soy sauce
½ tsp ground white pepper
2 tbsp granulated sugar
2 drops sesame oil
Pinch of cayenne pepper
1 tsp kosher salt
Clean and season wings with salt.
Spread on a rack on a sheet pan and refrigerate uncovered for 3-4 hours, or until the skin is dry.
Add garlic, unpeeled, and water to the container of a blender. Blend for 30 seconds to 1 minute.
Strain garlic water into a pan. Discard the solids.
Add soy, sugar, a pinch of cayenne, and white pepper.
Cook until reduced to ¼ cup of sauce.
Add sesame oil and whisk to combine.
Preheat a fryer or Dutch oven filled with oil to 350°F.
Fry wings until they begin to brown.
Remove and drain.
Toss fried wings with sauce.
Optional: stir frying the sauce-tossed wings in a hot pan will make the coating even stickier and add a pleasantly smoky finish – but it’s not strictly necessary.
My Mai Tai
If I had to choose a favorite cocktail, it would be a three way “Tai” (See what I did there? People tell me I’m very funny. Well, my mother does. She’s people.) between a well-made Rye Manhattan, a perfect classic daiquiri, and a Mai Tai. The Mai Tai is certainly the most complex. The cocktail has gotten a bad name, mostly because the drink you get at a cruise ship bar or the beach shack of a resort hotel has more in common with Mt. Dew than it does with the classic recipe. The classic recipe – and there’s an argument over whether Trader Vic or Don the Beachcomber invented the original (I like Trader Vic’s) – is built on layered combinations of different rums, orange curaçao, lime juice, and Orgeat – a milky almond syrup that’s often scented with orange flower water. The result is a sweet, sour, floral, funky caramel-ey, and bright cocktail that will quickly make you forget it’s the middle of winter. It might make you forget your pants. Take appropriate measures.
I haven’t specified rums here because there are a lot of options at different price points, and different options available in different jurisdictions – but one of my favorite slates includes Rhum JM Gold, Smith & Cross, and Plantation’s OFTD.
¾ oz Rum Agricole (gold or white – I prefer gold)
¾ oz aged Jamaican rum
¾ oz dark Jamaican rum or dark blended rum
½ oz orange curaçao
¾ oz Orgeat (see below)
1 oz lime juice
Fresh mint for garnish
Add all ingredients to a shaker tin or the container of a drink blender along with 1/3 cup of crushed ice. Shake, or flash blend (5 seconds). Pour unstrained into a rocks glass, a tulip, or a Mai Tai glass. Sink a lime shell into the drink, and fill with crushed ice. Garnish with fresh mint that’s been lightly bruised to release its aromatic oils.
Orgeat
You can purchase Orgeat at better liquor stores or online, but it is fairly easy to make at home. There are a lot of recipes out there. I’ve settled on this one – which takes a couple shortcuts – as it turns out 95% as well as more involved recipes for about 25% of the work.
1 cup almond flour
2 cups boiling water
1 cup granulated sugar
2 drops almond extract (opt)
1 tsp orange flower water
In a non-reactive bowl, stir together almond flour and boiling water.
Allow to rest 30 minutes.
Strain the mixture through a flour sack towel, pressing and twisting to express as much liquid as possible.
Measure out 1 cup of the resulting liquid.
Add 1 cup sugar. Mix well to combine, stirring until all the sugar is dissolved.
Add almond extract (if using) and orange flower water.
Refrigerate. Keeps 1-2 weeks in the fridge, and longer if you add a measure of vodka at the end.
Not Kālua Pork Sliders
Kālua Pork is a traditional Hawaiian preparation of simply seasoned pork, slow cooked in an earth oven. Centuries of knowledge passed down through generations created a cooking method that yields tender flavorful meat that’s part of a festive tradition.
This is not that. This recipe produces simply seasoned, tender, flavorful meat. But it’s by no means a traditional preparation and it shouldn’t in any way be considered reflective of that wonderful tradition. That being said, it makes a great two to three bite sandwich, and a couple of little preparation tricks mean it’s easy to turn out a dozen with just a few minutes of work. Not that we’re feeding big crowds these days. Not that I would eat a dozen of these myself. Nope. I don’t know what you’re talking about, I didn’t eat the whole plate. Must have been the dog. Yeah. That’s it. The dog that we don’t have.
Makes 12 sliders
1 ½ - 2 lbs. boneless pork shoulder
2 tbsp smoked salt (or 2 tbsp kosher salt plus ½ tsp liquid smoke)
½ tsp ground white pepper
1 package of Hawaiian style rolls, uncut
1 cup shredded green cabbage
½ cup shredded red cabbage
1 small carrot
1 tbsp rice wine vinegar or white vinegar
½ tsp kosher salt
¼ cup mayonnaise
2 tbsp hoisin sauce
Prepare the pork:
Preheat your oven to 350°F.
Cut the pork into large cubes – 4 inches or so on a side.
Generously season with smoked salt (or salt and liquid smoke).
Place the pork in a Dutch oven or other heavy, oven proof pot with a tight-fitting lid.
Cook, covered, at 350°F until the pork is fall apart tender, about 2 hours.
Drain the fat and pull the pork to create shredded pork.
Prepare the slaw:
Finely slice red and green cabbage.
Shred or julienne the carrot.
Mix the carrot and cabbage, salt generously, and sprinkle on 1 tbsp rice wine vinegar.
Prepare hoisin mayonnaise:
Whisk together hoisin sauce and mayonnaise.
Prepare the sandwiches:
Remove the rolls from the package – DO NOT SEPARATE THEM.
Using a serrated bread knife, slice through the entire sheet of rolls to create top and bottom rolls.
Spread the bottom half with hoisin mayonnaise.
Layer with shredded pork.
Top with slaw.
Add the “top” of the rolls back.
Again, using a serrated knife, cut the individual rolls along the seams to create 12 sliders.
Use toothpicks (if desired) to hold individual sandwiches together for service.
Captain’s Grog
This drink is almost a variation on a Mai Tai in that it’s built from layered rums and an unusual syrup. Of course, the flavors themselves are entirely different. Captain’s grog is rich and sweet with a bitter backbone from grapefruit juice, and a dash of baking spice to finish. It somehow manages to feel tropical and exotic and perfectly at home on a cold winter night all at the same time.
2 oz dark Jamaican rum
1 oz white rum
½ oz orange curaçao
1 oz grapefruit juice
½ lime juice
1 oz maple syrup
1 oz soda water
Fresh mint, nutmeg, and cinnamon for garnish
Add all ingredients except the soda water and garnishes to a shaker tin or the container of a drink blender, along with 1/3 cup of crushed ice. Shake, or flash blend (5 seconds). Pour unstrained into a rocks glass or tiki mug. Stir in the soda water. Fill with crushed ice. Grate nutmeg and cinnamon over the top. Garnish with fresh mint.
Pineapple Upside Down Cake
What better desert for a tropical throwback? It’s got pineapple in it! That’s tropical! And rum – mostly because I like rum. This is a pretty simple version of Pineapple Upside Down Cake. It’s unusual in that it doesn’t rely on yellow cake mix, which is probably cheating. I mean, if it’s a throwback, shouldn’t I be using cake mix? Well, I don’t have cake mix. I don’t think I’ve used cake mix in … ever. But with the possible exception of the pineapple rings, this doesn’t use anything you’re unlikely to find in your kitchen, and that’s even better than having to buy cake mix.
¼ cup canola oil
1 cup granulated sugar
2 cups AP flour
1 egg plus 1 egg white
2 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
2 tbsp Greek yogurt
1 cup milk
1 oz dark rum
½ tsp kosher salt
¼ cup pineapple juice
2 tbsp butter, melted
½ cup dark brown sugar
Canned pineapple slices
American style maraschino cherries (don’t waste the good ones)
Melt the butter and pour into a 9 inch round cake pan.
Swirl the pan to coat the sides and base.
Sprinkle in the brown sugar.
Arrange the pineapple rings in the pan and place cherries in the center of the rings.
Refrigerate while you prepare the batter.
Preheat your oven to 375°F.
Whisk together the sugar and oil.
Add the rum, eggs, yogurt, and milk, whisking to combine.
Add the flour, baking powder and soda, and salt and stir to combine.
Stir in the pineapple juice.
Pour into the prepared pan, over the top of the pineapple.
Bake at 375°F until lightly browned on top and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean – about 35 minutes.
Allow to cool completely, then invert onto a serving platter and remove the pan.