Back in the 17th century, people who were richer and more educated than I am would start letters with florid apologies. Apologizing for what exactly, I’ve never really been certain – I just know that I had to read more than one of them in college classes where it was somehow important that I read the floral and perhaps florid apology of an old rich man from England who’d been dead for 300 years because that’s what you do as an English major at the kind of college I went to.
Like those letters, I’m going to start this week with an apology – perhaps a trigger warning – to my Italian and Italian American friends. What follows is a travesty, a heresy, and a perversion of the great culinary traditions of your country and culture. Those words might all mean sort of the same thing, but you get my point. I apologize. This is not Italian food. This is what happens when the obnoxious 10-year-old boy that still lives in part of my brain gets hold of a fryer, a bunch of peperoni, and a lot of bad ideas.
I’d also like to apologize to one of Ohio’s greats – the late Rosemary Clooney – for that childish play on the refrain from one of her hit songs.
I’ve sort of been planning this menu for a while – in that the items this week are all things that have evolved in a file I keep in the notes on my phone. The Ideas File – like the name of this newsletter I can get really uncreative and literal when it comes to naming things. Regardless, when a fun, tasty, or smartassed idea involving food, a restaurant, or edible adjacent thingamabob pops into my head, I stick it in the ideas file.
That came in handy when the main dish I’d been working on for this week – and entirely different thing altogether – didn’t really come together the way I wanted. So, the pivot. To the ideas file, and to the simmering smartassery of a group chat where we’d been discussing what we called “Gonzo Italian” – over the top absurdist takes on semi-traditionally Italian American classics.
Cheeseball Stuffed Dinner Rolls
I’ve probably been slowly marching toward this dish for the entirety of The Weekly Menu’s existence. I’ve made dinner rolls, and things stuffed with cheese. So… cheese stuffed dinner rolls, right?
Using tiny little Ciliegine, those absurdly cute cherry sized little balls of fresh(ish) mozzarella that come in a pint container swimming in brine makes it easy to shape the rolls, and gives you a great melty mozzarella stretch.
500 g AP flour
300 g room temperature whole milk
1 large egg
15 g olive oil
10 g granulated sugar
10 g kosher salt
7 g instant yeast
12 Ciliegine or “cherry sized” mozzarella balls
1 large egg white
2 tbsp sesame seeds
2 tbsp melted butter
Lightly grease a small sheet pan or plate, and arrange the mozzarella balls on it.
Place in the freezer. Freeze at least 2 hours.
Add the milk, yeast, and 300 g of flour to the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a whisk attachment.
Start the mixer on low or stir.
Once the mixture is combined, and little or no dry flour remains, increase the speed to high.
Process on high until the dough is glossy and has pulled away from the side of the bowl.
Scrape the whisk attachment clean and replace with a dough hook.
Beat the egg, oil, and sugar together.
Add the flour, salt, and the egg/oil mixture to the bowl of the mixer and process on low until well combined and a smooth dough forms – usually 5-7 minutes.
Transfer to a covered container and allow to rise until doubled in size – about 90 minutes in my 70°F kitchen.
Turn the dough out onto a well-floured surface and divide into 12 even pieces (about 72g each.)
For each piece into a ball by rolling on your workspace surface under the palm of a cupped hand.
Allow the balls to rest, covered lightly with a slightly damp towel, for 10 minutes.
Preheat your oven to 400°F.
Grease a ¼ sheet pan with cooking spray, butter, or olive oil.
Whisk the egg white with 2 tbsp of cool water.
Spread the sesame seeds on a plate.
Using a bench knife or other flat surface, press each ball into a flat disk.
Working one at a time, place a frozen mozzarella ball in the center of a dough disk.
Pull the sides up around the ball, twisting together to form a seal.
Dip the smooth side of the roll into the egg whitewash, then into the sesame seeds, and arrange seam side down on the baking sheet in 4 rows of 3 rolls.
Repeat for the remaining rolls.
Bake at 400°F until browned on top.
Brush with butter immediately after removing form the oven.
Serve hot for maximum stretchiness.
Fried Bacon Caesar Salad
Yeah. I fried a salad. Are you surprised? If you’re a regular reader you probably shouldn’t be. If you’re not a regular reader – well, I like to fry things, and this menu is sort of sleeper entry into the “FRY ALL THE THINGS” category that ... well, that only exists in my head.
As I was planning this menu – or rather as I was daring myself to make some of these items on a group chat that’s evolved into sort of a “what sort of gonzo food ideas do we have this week” forum – I’d intended to make a fully deep-fried Cesar salad. I even thought about putting it on a stick corn dog style. The problem was, well, it was terrible. Wet, wilted and kinda gross. It didn’t taste bad, but there’s a reason we don’t generally eat piles of sauteed romaine lettuce.
I can’t promise that I won’t revisit the corndog style fried salad on a stuck – I still think there’s promise there, if only as an absurdist study in state fair cuisine. I can promise that this recipe actually came out pretty darned well – even if there’s no stick. One codicil. You’ll want to serve this immediately – the crunchy crust gets soft quickly, and while it will still taste baconyfriedgood – it’s way better when it’s crispybaconyfriedgood.
4 small heads romaine lettuce
1 cup plain bread crumbs
4 slices smokey bacon
1 cup garlic croutons
½ cup AP flour
¼ cup finely shredded parmesan
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp dried oregano
1 large egg
1 recipe Cesar dressing or cheaters Cesar
shaved parmesan (use a vegetable peeler to get even shavings)
Prepare the dressing.
Cut the bacon into small pieces, and fry until very crisp.
Drain and retain the rendered fat to fry the final product.
Allow the bacon to cool.
Add the bacon, the shredded parmesan cheese, the oregano, garlic powder, and dread crumbs to the container of a food process. Process until the bacon is very finely chopped.
Half, and trim the romaine heads – cutting away any browning on the stem and any wilted dark green at the top of the head.
Set up a three step breading station by spreading the flour on one plate, the egg on another, and the bacon seasoned bread crumbs on a third.
Press the cut face of each half head into to the flour, then the egg, then the bread crumbs.
Arrange the breaded heads on a plate, and return to the refrigerator to hydrate for 30 minutes.
Add the bacon fat (add additional neutral oil if necessary) to a large fry pan, and heat over high heat until almost smoking.
Quickly fry just the breaded side of each head for 1-2 minutes, or just until crisp.
Arrange half heads on a place, top with Caesar dressing, croutons, and shaved parmesan.
Serve immediately.
Crispy Chicken Meatball Parm with Weird Good Tomato Sauce
What happens which chicken parmesan and meatballs have a baby? NOTHING. Those aren’t living things; they can’t have a baby. Gosh.
Anyway, what happens when your faithful correspondent here, armed with a deep fryer, a container of breadcrumbs, and a spirit of creativity that’s more motivated by childish dares than by genuinely good ideas goes at a couple of Italian American classics?
Well, you be the judge. It’s either a terrible culinary tragedy, or a really delicious mashup of flavors textures and … melted cheese products.
This recipe produces something that’s somewhere between a crispy cutlet and a sturdy chicken nugget – that may sounds like a less than ideal outcome, but it’s great for sandwiches, an appetizer - well, kind of everything. And the sauce recipe that accompanies it is ... well, it’s weird. It stems from an article I read years ago about how Italian American recipes and cuisine became part of mainstream American cook – even as Italian Americans were still strongly discriminated against. That article mentioned one of the first Italian recipes to appear in a mainstream American cookbook – a flour thickened tomato sauce intended as a spaghetti sauce and casually labeled with a horrible slur that I won’t repeat here. Thickening a tomato sauce with flour, as opposed to slowly cooking it down, might be an anathema to many cooks – but it actually yields a silky texture and allows you to make a thick sauce that sticks to – say crunchy breaded meatballs – that still has the bright fresh flavor of fresh tomatoes.
Crunchy Deep Fried Chicken Meatballs
4 medium boneless skinless chicken thighs
2 ½ cups plain breadcrumbs (divided)
1 cup AP flour
¼ cup finely shredded parmigiano reggiano cheese
4 large cloves garlic
1 tbsp minced fresh parsley
1 tbsp minced fresh basil
1 tsp minced fresh oregano
1 tsp fresh ground black pepper
1 tsp kosher salt
2 large eggs
Oil for frying
Peel, trim, and coarsely chop the garlic.
Cut the chicken into 1 inch pieces.
Add chicken, cheese, the garlic, herbs, black pepper salt, and one egg to the container of a food processor.
Process until smooth.
Add the bread crumbs, and pulse to combine.
Transfer to a covered bowl, and refrigerate for 1 hour – this will allow the bread crumbs to hydrate and the mixture to firm up.
Set up a three step breading station with flour in one bowl, the egg - beaten with a few tbsp of water -in the second, and the bread crumbs in the third.
Shape the meat mixture into 2 inch balls.
Working one at a time, roll in the flour, dip into the egg, and roll in the breadcrumbs.
Repeat for the remaining meat mixture.
Refrigerate the shaped meatballs for 30 minute – I place them in a re-used egg carton. It holds them well and prevents one side form going flat.
Set up a large pan or dutch oven with neutral oil, and heat to 350°F.
Working in batches, fry the balls at 350°F until well browned and cooked through – you can test with a thermometer (165°F) or by feel (they should be very firm.)
Dress with sauce and cheese, and serve hot.
Weird Good Tomato Sauce
1 14 oz can diced peeled tomatoes
2 large cloves garlic
1 tbsp loosely packed fresh oregano leaves
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp kosher salt
1 tsp AP flour
2 tbsp cold water
Peel, trim, and microplane the garlic.
Add the olive oil and garlic to a thick bottomed pan over low heat.
When the garlic is fragrant, but not yet brown, add the tomatoes, salt, and oregano.
Bring to a simmer, and cook covered for 30-45 minutes, or until the tomatoes are broken down.
Smash the tomatoes with a potato masher, or the back of a spoon.
Mix the flour and cold water, stirring will to avoid lumps. Allow to sit five minutes, then stir again - this well really help avoid any lumps.
Slowly pour the flour mixture into the sauce – stirring well to combine.
Return to a simmer, and cook, covered, for five minutes.
Check for seasoning and serve hot.
Pepperoni Stuffed Ravioli with Pepperoni Bolognese
I’ve been sort of obsessed with this Pepperoni Bolognese for a few years, tweaking it, playing with pepperoni in other sauces and forcemeats, generally just Pepperonizing anything I can.
There are a couple of sources for this peperoni obsession:
One, moving back to Ohio – a place with a large West Virginia diaspora. The first week I moved back, a polite older woman in front of me in line at the grocery had four sticks of whole Pepperoni, two bags of bread flour, a couple rolls of plastic wrap, and an accent that told you she was from the other side of the Ohio river. She was making peperoni rolls – given the plastic wrap, probably for a bake sale or fundraiser.
Two, well, probably from reading Alex and Aki’s adventures with peperoni at Ideas In Food.
Anyway, now living in pepperoni central, I dove into playing around. This simple Bolognese analog, made with a ton of ground peperoni as one of the meat elements, really turned out to be one of my favorites. I had origionaly planned on breading and frying the ravioli into St. Louis style toasted ravioli - but that seemed sort of excessive, even for me.
Then again, I have leftovers to play with, so maybe I’ll still fry all the things.
Pepperoni Bolognese
8 oz ground beef
1 14.5 oz can diced tomatoes
8 oz pepperoni
1 strip thick cut smokey bacon
1 medium carrot
1 medium onion
2 medium stalks celery
2 tsp olive oil
1 tsp minced fresh basil leaves
½ tsp fresh ground oregano
½ tsp minced fresh oregano
½ tsp minced fresh thyme leaves
Pinch of ground nutmeg
Peel, trim, and coarsely chop the onion.
Peel, trim, and coarsely chop the carrot.
Trim the celery and cut into 1-2 inch pieces.
Add the onion, celery, and carrot to the container of a food process.
Pulse until all are finely chopped. You could also do this by hand, but I’m lazy.
Transfer the vegetable mixture to another container.
Add the bacon, beef, and pepperoni to the container of the food processor.
Process until a uniform, smooth, force meat has formed.
Transfer the meat mixture to another container.
Add the canned tomatoes to the food processer.
Pulse until a coarse puree forms.
Add the olive oil to a pan over medium heat.
Add the vegetable mixture, and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onions are translucent, and much of the moisture has been evaporated.
Add the herbs, spices, tomatoes, and meat mixture, stiring well to break up the meat.
Bring to a low simmer.
Cook uncovered for 2 hours – or transfer to a 300°F oven and cook uncovered for 2-3 hours.
Serve hot.
Pepperoni Stuffed Ravioli
1 recipe homemade pasta
1 cup ricotta cheese
½ cup shredded low moisture mozzarella
5 oz pepperoni
1 tbsp minced parsley
pinch of nutmeg
Finely mince the pepperoni, either using a sharp knife or a food processor.
Combine the ricotta, mozzarella, parsley, nutmeg, and pepperoni in a large bowl.
Roll out the pasta into long sheets.
Use a ravioli maker or …
Use a damp finger to draw a 2” x 2” grid on the pasta
Arrange dollops of filling on the pasta within the grid.
Carefully drape a second sheet of pasta over the filling.
Press down between the filling mounds to seal the pasta against the damp grid.
Use a knife, or a pasta cutter to cut between the mounds.
Separate, and pinch along the edges to seal.
Boil for 2-3 minutes in heavily salted water to finish.
Big Ol’ Glass of Redneck Tiramisu
Like everything else in this menu, there’s nothing authentic about this Tiramisu. I mean, authenticity is a questionable measure anyway, and Tiramisu isn’t exactly an ancient dish (my lackadaisical googling indicates it was probably invented in the 1960’s.). Anyway, this recipe is even less authentic because it uses ‘nilla wafers, and some unflavored gelatin to help it set more firmly.
Also, it’s in a big brandy glass instead of a square cut. Really, it’s sort of a bannanaless tiramisu flavored banana pudding, thus the name: Big Ol’ Glass of Redneck Tiramisu
16oz mascarpone cheese
1 cup heavy whipping cream
4 eggs
1 ½ cups granulated sugar
1 oz dark rum
8oz espresso
2 tbsp cold water
2 tsp powdered unflavored gelatin
Mix the espresso with ½ cup granulated sugar, stirring to fully dissolve. Set aside.
Separate the eggs.
Add the cold water to a small bowl and sprinkle the gelatin over it.
Allow the gelatin to bloom for 5 minutes, then microwave it for 15 seconds to melt the gelatine. Set aside in a warm place to prevent it setting.
Add ½ cup of sugar and 4 egg yolks to the top of a double boiler, or to a stainless steel bowl set over a pan of boiling water.
Whisk the egg/sugar mixture white cooking until the mixture is light yellow and fluffy, and falls away from the whisk in smooth ribbons. Alternately, if you’re brave and confident, you can skip the water bath and just move the bowl on an off a flame while whisking. If you do this, use a dry town to hold the bowl and expect sweet scrambled eggs if you’re not paying close attention.
Allow the egg mixture to cool.
Add the egg whites to the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a whisk attachment.
Whisk, starting on low, and gradually increasing the speed, until the whites for stiff peaks. A few drops of white vinegar can help stabilize the whites as they whip.
Scrape out the whites, and transfer to another container.
Add the cream to the mixer bowl and again, starting slowly and gradually incrasing the speed, whip until stiff peaks form.
With the mixer running, drizzle the melted gelatin into the whipped cream.
Scrape out the whipped cream, and transfer to another container.
Add the mascarpone and the remaining sugar to the mixer.
Whip until fluffy.
Remove the bowl form the mixer.
Fold in the egg mixture, then the whipped cream, then the whites.
Fold in the rum.
Dip the wafers into the coffee syrup, and layer in the bottom of the glass.
Add a layer of whipped mascarpone mixture.
Dip the wafers into the coffee syrup and create a second layer above the mascarpone mixture.
Fill with mascarpone mixture.
Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 2 hours.
Top with finely shredded chocolate or cocoa powder and refrigerate overnight to set fully.
Serve with coffee and an argument about how it’s not really Tiramisu because it isn’t.